Where can I find the greatest cheese in the entire world (for, you know, really cheap)?

Well, I really shouldn't tell you....

That's one of my greatest mysteries ...

And if everyone knows my secret, no one will be impressed with my cheese, eh?

When I arrive at parties with the grandest, most extravagant chevre imaginable, people will just shrug and say "Ah, I just had the quadruple cream Brie yesterday on a toasted sandwich, mate. No big deal. I know you're buying this stuff for pennies."

But if I'm going to die of clogged arteries before I turn 30 due to Cheese Overdose, well, hell... I might as well let the rest of the world join me. So here's the scoop:



East Village Cheese, 40 Third Ave., between 9th and 10th Streets, New York City. (If you don't live in New York, fly here for the cheese. Now. It'll be worth the trip.)

Rightly named the Best Gourmet Food Emporium by the Village Voice in 2000, East Village Cheese not only has stockpiles of gourmet cheese rinds, but also the best fresh pesto, ricotta, bread, chicken liver, pate, taramasalata, and baked goods around -- and amazing imported olives, spreads, breads, crackers, dips, oils, and more. And it's all packed into a shop that's as small as my bedroom, in a cool and convenient neighborhood, at rates that will beat out most cheese vendors in the U.S.

Best of all, this curd outlet is conveniently located near the East Village's fine Warehouse Wines & Spirits (735 Broadway, between 8th Street and Waverly Place), where the sublime vinos, quality ports, and good liquors are always sold at a steep discount (and the staff is highly knowledgeable).

Trust me -- you're life will be much improved by visiting the above locations frequently.

Plus, if you buy Franco-based booze and cheeses, you'll be supporting the French economy ... possibly our best defense against G.W. Bush & Co.'s anti-cheese, anti-wine ways.

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Do you prefer your cheese melted on a brick-oven baked slice of pizza? Then leave the East Village and jump on the L Train -- five minutes later you'll be confronted with a free personal pizza every time you buy a drink at the Alligator Lounge or Capone's. I haven't tried Alligator Lounge yet, but Capone's is convenient (near the Bedford L stop) and it's got a smoking patio (cigarettes!), very cheap drinks, and the pizza is, as I mentioned, free and, in IMHO, it's an EXCELLENT slice.

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~ A quick guide to saying cheese in foreign tongues: Spanish = queso; Latin = caseus; Italian = formaggio; French = fromage (the Latin root being formaticum, meaning "that which is made into a shape.")

~ Cheesy Side Note: Celebrity Cola was recently reviewed at the Space Coast Web Blog.

~ Extra-Super-Cheesy Logan News Article: "Don'cha just hate those liberals?"