Hotel Lights: Whatever happened to the rest of Ben Folds Five and whatever and amen

Ben Folds Five. Now there was a good band. Like Cold Play but with more sweat and vigor. Like Elton John without the funny clothes and cutesy ballads.

But ol' Folds married an Aussie and moved Down Under (they grow the best women down there, don'tcha know), leaving his band and country behind. He continued to pump out great material -- a couple of solo albums, a live album, various online-only EPs, singles, experiments, and weirdness (the Three Bens, anyone?) -- but seemingly avoids the nonstop full-on glare that the global media has to offer. No über-popstar status for Folds, not when he can stay indie, quirky, and relevant without totally giving up on the cash that a major label has to offer. Famous-but-not-too-famous seems right up his alley.

Which is fine by me, although I would like to see him do a follow up to his "Fear of Pop, Volume 1" brilliant space oddity album that featured your favorite actor and mine, William Shatner.

(Actually, Ben Folds produced and played on William Shatner's crowning musical achievement, Has Been in 2004, so let's not stress, eh? And while I'm on the subject, I should say, in all earnestness, that Has Been is staggering. Grand. Magnifico. Just listen to the first track -- a Shatner duet with pop-punk icon Joe Jackson, covering Pulp's "Common People" -- and try not to dance like a madman, even if you loath Star Trek. It's that damn good. Listen to it with headphones for pure stereophonic bliss. Even the Pitchfork snobs are in awe.)



Still, I sometimes wonder what happens to the less famous members of eponymous bands when their fearless front men go off on their own. What happened to the Stooges in those years without Iggy Pop? Where went the Attractions and the Revolution without Elvis Costello and Prince? And what happened to the two men who weren't Ben Folds that helped make up the Ben Folds Five trio?

That last question I can kinda answer: bassist Robert Sledge moved back to North Carolina where he's supposedly playing with a couple of different bands and helping produce local acts; at one point he belonged to Nut Magnet with ex-Squirrel Nut Zippers Tom Maxwell and Ken Mosher; later he joined International Orange as a bassist-songwriter (alongside musicians Snuzz, Django Haskins, and Jason Fagg), but that band broke up in 2004. Drummer Darren Jessee has formed a smooth new band of his own, the Hotel Lights: the band is obscure right now, but their songs are kinda catchy. If you like Ben Folds and mellow indie guitar pop, then you'll dig the Hotel Lights.


I've written the following Hotel Lights article with a friend of mine. We plan on posting it to Wikipedia later, and Wikipedia can claim all rights to it... but you, dear readers, get the first look:


Hotel Lights

Indie pop band Hotel Lights was founded by Darren Jessee in 2003 (approximately) in Chapel Hill, North Carolina -- the city where, not coincidentally, Ben Folds Five originally formed in 1994 as a trio consisting of Jessee, songwriter-pianist Ben Folds, and bassist Robert Sledge, along with various songwriting partners.

Jessee, the drummer and one of the principal songwriters for Ben Folds Five, initially pursued a solo career as a singer-songwriter in New York City after BFF broke up in 2000. However, seeking to flesh out the material that he'd been developing on his own, he then decided to create a full-fledged band, Remover, which was quickly renamed Hotel Lights.

On the band's website, Jessee obliquely describes the concept behind the band's name by saying, "...when you see hotel lights in the distance you feel like 'yeah, I'm almost there', but when you stand in the bathroom and turn on the hotel lights, they are fluorescent and you see every scar."

The band's original lineup consisted of Jessee on lead vocals and guitar, former Archers of Loaf drummer Mark Price on drums, Roger Gupton on bass and vocals, and Chris Badger playing keyboards and guitar. Sound engineer Alan Weatherhead (The Comas, Sparklehorse, Camper Van Beethoven, Mary Timony) recorded the band's first album and their follow-up EP; he also performs pedal steel and guitar with Hotel Lights on occasion. Adam Schlesinger (Fountains of Wayne) and others have also made sonic contributions.

As of 2005, the band had not been signed by a major label and was distributing their albums primarily through indie music retailer CD Baby, which files the band under the heading of "alt pop songs, acoustic guitar, lush keyboards." The official band website draws comparisons between Hotel Lights and Nick Drake, Court and Spark, and The Band.

Hotel Lights had its first full-length release in the autumn of 2004. The self-titled album -- recorded at Sound of Music studios in Richmond, VA -- contained the following tracks (all copyrighted by Hair Sucker Songs):

1. You Come and I Go
2. A.m. Slow Golden Hit
3. Miles Behind Me
4. I Am a Train
5. Small Town Shit
6. What You Meant
7. Follow Through
8. Stumblin' Home Winter Blues
9. Marvelous Truth
10. The Mumbling Years
11. Anatole
12. Motionless
13. Love to Try


Related Links:

Official Hotel Lights band page

CD Baby Hotel Lights band page

Chris Parker's Independent Weekly "Homebrew" album review

Jason Warburg's Daily Vault album review

Darren Jessee's home page

Kitchen Mastering studios discusses the mastering of the 2005 Hotel Lights EP

Darren Jessee info is revealed in "Joey's Guide to Ben Folds Five B-Sides and Rarities"

Done Waiting's Darren Jessee update, "What's Up, Darren Jessee, Former Drummer of Ben Folds Five?"

Info on the lost Ben Folds/Darren Jessee collaboration, "Wandering," now part of the Ben Folds Speed Graphic EP.

Writing the Hand That Feeds You

A list of resources for fiction writers, journalists, and other media mavens....

When I’m looking for work, I always visit these sites first:

Ed2010 (for magazine/newspaper advice, jobs, and gossip)
Mandy.com (for film and TV work)
MediaBistro (for an inside look at the publishing trenches. And lots of jobs.)

Now, to find the best media jobs, it’s handy if you’re:

(a) Married to a hotshot movie producer, media executive, magazine/book editor, or publisher.
(b) The offspring of someone rich or famous.
(c) The graduate of a high-profile school with a good alumni network. (Think: Harvard).
(d) The friend of someone in the industry.

If not, it’s time to put your nose to the grindstone and start setting up search agents at the major job banks, like Monster.com, CareerBuilder, and HotJobs, which will deliver career opportunities to your inbox on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis.

The problem: When you apply for a job through one of these sites, you need to submit your resume within milliseconds of it being posted or you’ll get lost in a deluge of 10,000 other resumes. Applying directly through a company’s own corporate job board is the best way to go, and diligently visiting the niche media job sites is another intelligent choice. Of course, without a recommendation from someone inside the company, your prospects won’t be amazing, and the competition is fierce even on the smallest of job boards. But if you’re smart and persistent about the way you find and apply for jobs, eventually you’ll land something of merit.

(Remember, most media companies prefer to hire people they already know, people they drink with, people their brother-in-law recommended to them, or their best interns. All businesses are like this to a certain degree, but in an industry where nonobjective taste applies—“Is this person a good writer, editor, or director?”—the whimsy of the bosses reigns.)

The following are my favorite media job spots online. The emphasis is on writing and editing, but many of these sites are handy for all sorts of film, TV, advertising, public relations, and Internet media work.

The California Journalism Job Bank has lots of jobs for journalists in California.

Craigslist always has writing and film jobs available in it’s various regions and categories, although most of these jobs tend to be of the no- or low-pay variety.

Editor & Publisher Magazine.

College-level students should visit the Institute for Humane Studies for internship, scholarship, and career building tips. The IHS is a very writer-friendly site, with a lot essay contests and the like.

I Want Media (jobs).

In addition to top-notch independent film reporting, indieWire.com has an extensive list of film work in its classifieds section, including screenwriting gigs (much of the work is volunteer-based, so don’t expect riches here).

The IRE Job Center (provided by the Investigative Reporters and Editors organization).

Job Bank USA.

JournalismJobs.com.

Listing the “Nifty Fifty”—the 50 top online job boards for journalists (including the job boards for Knight Ridder and the Associated Press)—as well as other resources for writers, the Detroit Free Press’ Jobs Page is a must visit.

Lit.org (see the Writer’s Wanted category).

The NAA (Newspaper Association of America) sponsors the Newspaper CareerBank.

The National Diversity Newspaper Job Bank (news & media jobs).

SunOasis features a few jobs and lots of tips, links, and resources for writers.

The Society for Professional Journalists (the Careers List requires paid membership).

The Time Warner job board includes the inside scoop on job offers at Time Inc., HBO, New Line Cinema, DC Comics, AOL, etc. (If anyone can get me a job writing and/or editing comic books, I'll give 'em a cookie. A really big cookie. And whiskey. And $20. Thanks.)

The Write Jobs, part of the Writer’s Write network, is a staple of every writer’s job hunt.

And there are a number of websites out there specifically oriented toward film/TV jobs (like the excellent Mandy.com, as well as Crew-Net.com and The Hollywood Creative Directory’s job board), acting jobs (BackStage.com, ActorsAccess.com), and media jobs in general (EntertainmentCareers.net, ShowbizData.com, VarietyCareers.com, and the NY-centric EITC newsletter). Some of the more specialized sites charge membership fees for full access to their classified job ads, but with so many free sites out there, joining a pay site isn’t usually necessary.

Also, try and get your hands on the UTA Job List email, a much-coveted inventory of entertainment jobs and celebrity assistant gigs (mostly in Los Angeles, with a smattering of jobs in NYC and elsewhere). This clandestine list’s origin is supposedly the United Talent Agency, but if you contact UTA directly they’ll say you’re crazy; you have to find a friend who gets the list and have them forward it to you every week (Jesse Albert is noted as the list administrator in the copyright notice at the bottom of the email). This list is the bread and butter of the jet-setting HollywoodMomentum.com professional ass-kisser crowd, and there’s no other way in, unless you’re sleeping with someone at UTA.

When all else fails, cold-call the company you love the most. Pursue your dream like a rabid dog (but don’t be scary or annoying). Find out the names of the people in charge. Track down every detail you can about their likes and dislikes and work habits. Then send in artful letters asking for advice. Submit your resume directly to the top dogs and the human resource department. It may not get you a job, but letters of inquiry and unsolicited resumes rarely hurt.

And forget thee not: The importance of writing a good cover letter should not be underestimated. Be engaging, make yourself sound interesting and intelligent but don’t be an egomaniac, summarize your skills and experiences and show how much you know about the company you’re applying to. And watch those typos. They can cost you the job.

***

Related articles:

"Extra! Extra! Newspaper Jobs in NYC," by Ken Liebeskind for The New York Job Source.

"Industry Newsletter Web Sites Grow With Online Job Searches," by Megan Ballinger for The Wall Street Journal Online.

***

Writers Wanted: Every un-agented fiction scribe should check out Maud Newton's excellent article regarding the process of submitting unsolicited fiction to magazines in this flailing, inbred world of modern literary publishing we readers and writers have to contend with these days. The primary interview is dated, considering editor Brigid Hughes has left the Paris Review, but it's still an insightful look into the belly of a beast I love. And Maud's other editor interviews are not to be missed.

Personal aside: I spotted Paris Review founder George Plimpton on the street once, and after briefly making eye contact I followed him into a bookstore where I was lucky enough to see him speak as part of a panel on the dour state of contemporary lit publishing. Every editor and publisher in attendance expressed concern that they received far more in the way of submissions than subscriptions; we're living in a world of a few hundred thousand aspiring writers but only a handful of readers.

In the midst of all the bad news, Plimpton's playful, sardonic wit and gallows humor, mixed with a lively dose of optimism and historical perspective, was mesmerizing, and his death a couple of years later struck me with a sharp pang. Would the much-heralded death of serious, inventive short fiction die with him? Plenty are trying to keep up the good fight, but are the readers out there... and has professional writing become strictly a well-connected Ivy League sport?

And now I hear Kurt Vonnegut Jr., another of my literary heroes, is wandering around the East Village, but I've yet to see him, despite both of us being in NYC for years. I must track him down. But stalking is not my strong point; I'm too lazy.

Gawd Dash It All: MS Word Shortcuts Made Easy

I'm always amazed by how poorly people actually understand the programs they work with every day. Even in newsrooms filled with professional journalists, at the desks of overworked office assistants, and at the computers of recent college grads, I've seen otherwise intelligent individuals blunder away at their word processing software, blissfully unaware that they could double their processing speed if they only understood some of simplest functions beyond the standard changing-of-the-font, typing, saving, printing routine.

(And don't get me started on how many highly paid executives I've met that are proud of their inability to check their own email, type up a memo, or wipe their own ass without the aid of three assistants, four staff members, and two executive committee meetings.)

In a highly readable, shockingly funny article (for a very boring tech piece, that is), Herb Tyson explains how you can have the Microsoft Word "Paste Special Unformatted Text" option always "at your fingertips."

Not only does he give you a handy macro for quickly executing the "Paste Special Unformatted Text" command, but this is also a wonderful overview of macros, shortcuts, and cutting and pasting in general. You’ll be making new macros of your own in no time, Alt/Tab(bing) like a pro (this is the easiest way to switch between active program screens), pasting with the best of them, and creating nifty toolbar shortcuts for your macro and shortcut-key challenged coworkers. All tech articles should be this easy, helpful, and enjoyable to read.

Also, be kind and at least teach your Neanderthal friends the easy-to-remember MS Word keyboard shortcut basics, many of which actually work across numerous programs and platforms and all of which will keep them writing/typing fast: ctrl-a selects all, ctrl-x cuts (while copying), ctrl-c copies (without cutting), ctrl-v pastes, ctrl-b bolds, ctrl-i italicizes, ctrl-u underlines, ctrl-z will undo, ctrl-y to redo, shift-F3 changes the capitalization (I love that one), F4 repeats the last executed command, shift-F4 repeats the last Find/Search, shift-F5 jumps you to your last edit point(s), and shift-F8 brings up the macros.

More cool shortcuts can be found at the MS Word MVP FAQ, which also explains some nifty tricks, like how to copy and paste a text’s style & formatting without copying the text itself (ctrl-shift-c & ctrl-shift-v), how ctrl-space removes character formatting from selected text, how the paragraph markers contain all the paragraph formatting data (which can be copied and pasted as well), etcetera, etcetera.

And while we’re on the subject of MS Word: I wish I’d known how to turn my “invisibles” on (a visual representation of space and paragraph marks that improves your ability to proofread) and use the Format Painter tool earlier in life (the little broom icon on your Word toolbar that is also accessed with ctrl-shift-c). Oh, and hold down the Ctrl key while using the scroll wheel on your mouse to zoom in and out in Word and many other appilcations.

And using the following on your numeric keypad will give you an en dash (–) and em dash (—), respectively, for those times when Word hasn’t autocorrected them into your sentence for you: ctrl-minus and ctrl-alt-minus. See the Wikipedia article on dashes for more info on the proper use of the en and em dash.

Oh, and for accents, use any of the following (as needed) and then type the letter you want to accent:

For an Acute (e.g., é): ctrl-' (apostrophe)
Grave (À): ctrl-` (the apostrophe under the tilde "~")
Tilde (ñ) ctrl-shift + ~ (tilde)
Circumflex (î) ctrl-shift + ^
Dieresis (ÿ) ctrl-shift + : (colon)

Also see: Celebrity Cola's MS Word Macro for Preserving Formatting When Posting Documents Online.

***

In other news:

* Dumpster Bust asks, "Is the Halliburton-Bush-Cheney connection all on the up and up, or is there even more to all of this than meets the eye?"

* Rolling Stone squawks as PBS and NPR are overun by the right: "Muzzling the Muppets: The Bush administration wants to force public broadcasting to toe the Republican line."

A Movie Review Bonanza (June 2005)

The following is a roundup of new Celebrity Cola film reviews. All of the movies listed are coming out (or being reissued) on DVD in 2004-05. Most of the flicks were released theatrically in 2004, but a few are classics.

After The Sunset (2004)
Director Brett Ratner brings his expertise in creating clichés to the forefront of this silly, pointless, annoying flick. The only highlights are Woody Harrelson's engaging, cartoon-like performance and Naomie Harris' fresh, likable take on a one-note character. The sexy Salma Hayek and square-jawed Pierce Brosnan have zero chemistry and sleepwalk through the unspeakable plot.

The Aviator (2004)
Director Martin Scorsese can't make this bird fly faster than a standard biopic, leaving innovation at the airport. But the soaring visuals and eager performances add lift to an intriguing true story.

Alfie (2004)
Stripped of the grit and reality of the original, this too-pretty remake is much like its lothario protagonist: beautiful, smooth talking, sexy, and ultimately confused and hollow. As forgetful as the most vacant one-night-stand you've ever had, a gorgeous and talented cast is wasted in one well-shot scene after the next.

The Anniversary Party (2001)
A small film with big stars and a modest payoff. One could easily accuse the celebs participating in (and making) this movie of supreme navel-gazing and self-reflexiveness, but the plot pats no one on the back. Instead, it’s a stark and blistering look at Hollywood life. The plot meanders, but the crisp characterizations are not easily forgotten.

The Brown Bunny (2004)
Egomaniac wunderkind Vincent Gallo creates a rabbit story where the Watership doesn't go Down but daring indie starlet Chloë Sevigny infamously does. The hopping-mad scandal and backlash surrounding the film obscure the fact that emotional truth is leaping through this artistic briar patch.

Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)
Director Beeban Kidron misses the edge and falls off the building. Hugh Grant and Colin Firth are at their sardonic best, but the script is messier than Bridget Jones’ dieting habits, plot points from the original film being tossed through a spin cycle like dirty panties best thrown out. Leaving viewers with a bad-movie-binge hangover, Renée Zellweger tarnishes her skyrocketing career by turning her previously plucky portrayal of Jones into a running fat-dumb-clueless-blonde joke. A better title would have been “Four Bad Jokes and a Funeral for a Femme Franchise.”

The Bourne Supremacy (2004)
Shaken, stirred, and best served cold, “The Bourne Supremacy” is the best spy thriller of the year. Like spymaster John Le Carré on an amphetamine revelry, Robert Ludlum's novels create a world as thrilling as James Bond's but laced with intriguing blasts of reality and clandestine doses of philosophy. Where modern secret-agent flicks have mostly become routine exercises in beating the bad guys with cool gadgets, Matt Damon’s interpretation of Bourne gives new meaning to the phrase “intelligence community,” with the Bourne franchise’s real intellect, scorching thrills, and emotional relevance fighting the good fight against Hollywood’s current cold war against new ideas and common sense. Director Doug Liman got smart (again) and deftly incited a mini-revolution with “The Bourne Identity”; new helmer Paul Greengrass vigorously builds on Liman’s work while continuing his mission of assassinating spy movie clichés. The supporting cast is superb: Brian Cox, Joan Allen, Chris Cooper, et al infiltrate life into even their smallest moments onscreen. Julia Stiles’ character seemed too young and ultimately unnecessary in the first flick, but here she begins to shine. Franka Potente’s shocking early exit from the proceedings smuggles the sexual tension out of the plot, but the loss of her character is needed to fuel Bourne’s unhidden rage. We can only hope more directors with a license-to-greenlight will cast this first-class actress in scads of films without subterfuge or delay.

Claire's Knee (Le Genou de Claire, 1970)
Eric Rohmer’s movies attract viewers with erotic posters and tantalizing story fixations. But it’s all a ruse: Alternatingly thoughtful, philosophical, mumbled, lingering, lackadaisical, intellectual, quotidian, feverish, solipsistic, and seemingly never-ending dialogue rules the day. Watching a Rohmer flick is like reading a good essay while simultaneously eavesdropping on a couple in a café. Revealing, engaging, sometimes boring, often a little dirty—adjectives pop to mind, but breathtaking images do not. “Claire's Knee” is classic Rohmer and as affecting as his films come. If you’re up for “Claire,” the reward will be a film that slips into your subconscious and subtly arouses your imagination, if only you can stay awake.

Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)
Like a typical SNL sketch, moments of absolute hilarity are mixed with abject stupidity and the joke is stretched out way too long. Quotable scenes are plentiful, the cast is solid and inventive, and audiences who have seen too many movies like this before are left feeling like they just ate a bowl of junk food.

Donnie Darko (2001)
Teen angst hasn’t been this cool since Christian Slater and Winona Ryder obliterated the screen in “Heathers.” Enchanting, ambitious, haunting, and only a little ridiculous, “Donnie Darko” announces writer-director Richard Kelly as a massive talent, actor Jake Gyllenhaal as a complex performer, and faded star Patrick Swayze as someone we shouldn’t forget. Skip the competent theatrical version and go straight to the masterful director’s cut. The philosophical side of Philip K. Dick’s science fiction has always been largely ignored in the adaptations of his films, but here Kelly captures the rarified mindset of Dick without having to plunder any of his writing. Instead, the director creates a brand new world that mystifies and captivates. For both good and ill, “Darko” leaves a thousand ideas and hundreds of unanswered questions in the viewer’s brain—a feeling that’s aggravating, exciting, and undeniably different.

Faces (1968)
A hallmark of ultra-low-budget indie cinema, “Faces” remains avant-garde after nearly 40 years. Ignoring the gutted production values, one can appreciate the fierce performances and innovative directorial techniques of John Cassavetes.

Fahrenheit 9/11 (2004)
Despite the pro-socialist/anti-Republican bent, Michael Moore’s film hits too many targets of every political stripe to truly be called pure propaganda. “Fahrenheit” collects crucial news snippets, contrasts divergent factoids, presents overlooked data, and raises plausible conspiracies in a deceptively humorous, easy-to-digest, time-capsule-like filmic journey through modern American politics. A must-watch film for anyone interested in the State of the Union—even viewers who disagree with the filmmaker’s vantage should give “Fahrenheit” a chance, lest they miss important talking points that will continue to affect the evolution of society.

Garden State (2004)
The ghost of iconoclast director Hal Ashby permeates writer-director-star Zach Braff’s aesthetic even more than it informs auteur Wes Anderson. This is not a bad thing. Ashby is an oft-forgotten genius, and Braff builds on his techniques to establish himself as more than a mere sitcom actor, elevating his status to that of a sensitive leading man and documenter of elusive details and ignored lives. Exquisite imagery, delightful cinematography, and skillful gags are artfully deployed in this gentle, unassuming love story. Peter Sarsgaard gives the potentially typical funny-slacker-pothead character layers of depth and sad appeal; Natalie Portman sparkles in a way she hasn’t since she was an astonishing child in “Léon: The Professional”; Ian Holm is pitch-perfect, as usual.

The Great Gatsby (1974)
An all-star cast and crew—including Robert Redford, Mia Farrow, Bruce Dern, Karen Black, and Sam Waterston acting, Francis Ford Coppola writing, Jack Clayton directing, and legendary Douglas “Indiana Jones Trilogy” Slocombe shooting—somehow manage to turn F. Scott Fitzgerald’s classic Great American Novel into a turgid, stultifying experience. The dazzling stars, cinematography, and set/costume design should be captivating, but poor Clayton and in-his-prime Coppola dig “Gatsby” a deep grave in the cemetery of boredom just the same. Although the movie is technically loyal to the novel, watching the film is so numbing you’ll never want to read the book, which is a dirt-dog dirty shame. Rumor has it that Coppola only had three weeks to write the screenplay after Truman Capote’s draft was rejected, and the “Patton” scribe/“Godfather” director was not yet enough of a moviemaking titan to demand more time or a shot at directing the flick himself; very regrettable. The film’s critical and financial drubbing left Clayton in a funk that kept him from directing for nine years. “Gatsby” is a bold undertaking, to be sure, but unmistakably a resounding, somnambulating failure on all fronts.

Hud (1963)
Paul Newman was never as good of an action star as his mega-cool rival Steve McQueen, but he consistently beat McQueen at the game of artistic triumph. Nor have the principal heirs to Newman’s status as an artistically accomplished, bankable, über-manly pretty-boy superstar—namely, Robert Redford and Tom Cruise, and, somewhat less successfully, Keanu Reeves, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, the fallen Kevin Costner, and wannabes Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, etc.—ever eclipsed his ability to balance big budget popcorn successes with numerous nuanced performances in commendable, unforgettable films. “Hud” is one such film. Based on Larry McMurtry’s novel “Horseman, Pass By,” and sometimes described as a rethinking of “Rebel Without a Cause” set in a 1960s update of the Old West, this revisionist modern Western is also reminiscent of the McMurtry scribed “The Last Picture Show” and Newman’s later performance in “Nobody's Fool.” In its detailed depiction of quiet desperation, small-town misery, loner rebellion, interfamily strife, and coming of age in changing times—rife with societal subtext that’s still relevant today—“Hud” stands tall, drinking viewers under the table with poetic depression.

I Heart Huckabees (2004)
Whimsical, daring, stupefying. A bizarre comedy about philosophical and metaphysical questions. Naomi Watts? Delicious. Dustin Hoffman? He’s back from the Void of Forgettable Roles. Lily Tomlin? Shows she should be in more films. Isabelle Huppert? Dead-on. Jude Law’s American accent is a dud, but he’s winning just the same, even while playing an unlikable character. Mark Wahlberg, horrific in nearly everything (with “Three Kings” and “Boogie Nights” being strong exceptions), shines. Jason Schwartzman proves he’s got something to offer other than just being the guy from the top-draw “Rushmore,” being the guy related to famous people, and being the guy who plays drums in a so-so, danceable band. David O. Russell—seemingly blacklisted from Hollywood for being an egocentric prick that picks on actors, extras, and crewmembers and battled George Clooney in a very public display of dislike—proves why he deserves not just a comeback but also a new film deal every year. No one makes movies like Russell, and he continues to surprise.

I, Robot (2004)
A disappointing paint-by-numbers action flick from director Alex Proyas, the mind behind the astounding “Dark City” (and, admittedly, some not-so-astounding other films). Isaac Asimov’s seminal science fiction and Proyas’ research into modern robotics and futurist theory should have resulted in a mind-bending exploration of the near future and the possibilities for mankind. There’s a computer science term called GIGO, which stands for “Garbage In, Garbage Out,” meaning that a computer can only output quality if quality is first entered. All signs pointed toward quality being entered into this film, so why the garbage result? Sure, laser-gun battles and action-film set pieces are expected in a big-budget extravaganza such as this, but did it all have to be so mindless and typical? Will Smith—a professed sci-fi geek and a Hollywood powerhouse—could’ve helped protect the visions of Asimov and Proyas (assuming he had a vision), but instead he seems content to shout and squint through this mildly entertaining shoot ’em up. It’s smarter than your typical Hollywood summer-action crap and has some great special effects, but opportunities are missed at every turn of the gear.

Knife in the Water (Nóz w wodzie, 1963)
Roman Polanski skillfully manifests early Hitchcock-level tension in this low-budget thriller. A good example of how an intense film can be made with limited funds and a small cast. It’s not Polanski’s best by a mile, but he later set the bar high for himself with “Cul-de-sac,” “Repulsion,” “Chinatown,” “Rosemary's Baby,” “Frantic,” “The Pianist,” etc., so comparing this early work to his better-financed successes may not be fair.

The Motorcycle Diaries (Diarios de motocicleta, 2004)
Beautiful, inspiring, and races right along. The portrait of the revolutionary (Ché Guevara) when he still thought he could heal the people of the world without murdering his enemies. Gael García Bernal and Rodrigo De la Serna are glorious as the best friends seeking adventure. Walter Salles turns the memoirs of Ernesto Guevara de la Serna and Alberto Granado into a cinematic delight. You’ll forget you’re reading subtitles and find yourself transported into a different time and culture. A magnificent achievement: true-life stories are rarely this well told.

Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
Writer-Director Wes Anderson has only made four feature films, none of them blockbusters, but his style is already affecting a new generation of filmmakers. Writer-director Jared Hess, a decade younger than Anderson’s mere 36 years, instantly jumped to the forefront of Anderson acolytes with “Napoleon Dynamite.” Warping Anderson’s penchant for J.D. Salinger-like too-smart-for-their-own-good extended-family dynamics and Hal Ashby-inspired deadpan comedy reaped from heightened realism of the eccentrically ordinary, Hess balloons Anderson’s loving set-and-costume-design-as-running-gags modus operandi into an anachronistic smorgasbord, drops the IQ levels of his eccentric protagonists, inserts sketch-routine type jests and absurd-but-comedy-rich situations, stirs in some Alexander Payne circa “Election” teen hijinks, and lets his inordinately inspired cast steal the show, all while retaining the Anderson-like sub-themes of sadness, loneliness, and rebellious iconoclasm. The result doesn’t work as powerfully or on as many levels of consciousness as Anderson’s films, but its freewheeling nature provides pleasures that Anderson’s increasingly controlled comedic universes sometimes miss.

North Dallas Forty (1979)
Easily one of the top 50 greatest sports films ever made, and probably the best about professional U.S. football. It’s got the dog-eared grit, testosterone vitality, and anti-establishment forward drive of writer-director Oliver Stone’s masterpieces (“Platoon,” “Wall Street,” etc.), but Stone’s own longwinded take on football, “Any Given Sunday,” doesn’t hold a candle to this stadium rouser from director Ted Kotcheff and writer Peter Gent. Back when pro football had first really come into it’s own as a major U.S. pastime, but before it became as corporate and mass-produced as it is today, in a time when a lot of shaggy white guys dominated the sport, when performance-enhancing drugs, painkillers, and steroids where growing in popularity, when rebellion was in the air and sports salaries were skyrocketing, in an era when the jailhouse football yarn “The Longest Yard” was a smash hit, this was the time of the troubled North Dallas football team (a fictionalized account of the 1970s Dallas Cowboys). Conventional sport-film plot twists are replaced with realistic drama and gallows humor, and Nick Nolte is in top Method acting, Brando- invigorated form as an aging, decrepit player.

The Raisin in the Sun (1961)
Sidney Poitier, young and charismatic, dominates scene after scene in director Daniel Petrie’s powerful film version of Lorraine Hansberry’s classic play. The supporting cast is grand, and the tale’s dueling themes of motherhood, manhood, racism, family values, love, anger, and redemption intertwine with emotionally shattering results. The movie cannot shake its theatre roots and modest budget—it’s obviously a play, grounded in one location, not cinematic (the camera placement and editing are uninspired), with performances walking a razor’s edge between realism and sharpened theatricality—but the small, confined apartment set radiates a sense of home and claustrophobia that eventually enhances the dynamics of the conviction-filled ensemble, benefiting the tightly written, rhythmic script and immersing viewers into the lives of the Younger family.

Shadow of a Doubt (1943)
A cute film about a spunky kid grows creepier and creepier as Alfred Hitchcock pulls strands of suspense from out of the darkness that lurks in every mind and every room. The acting and pacing are dated, and the visuals are not as finely finessed as in later Hitchcock efforts, but do not doubt this flick’s ability to summon nightmares.

Shark Tale (2004)
A good film for little kids, “Shark Tale” can’t stand up to adult scrutiny nor live up to the smash hit it’s desperately trying to capitalize on, Pixar’s “Finding Nemo.” DreamWorks drowns by substituting a whale-sized laundry list of celebrity names for true voice-over talent, fresh jokes, and a captivating story, leaving this peppy tale smelling like two-week old tuna sitting in the sun. Leads Will Smith and Renée Zellweger gamely swim through sappy dialogue; Jack Black (the friendly shark) is the only celeb who bothers creating an original voice and emotional undertone (undertow?) for his character; Angelina Jolie is hooked into a cliché; Ziggy Marley, Doug E. Doug, Michael Imperioli, and Vincent Pastore are given one-dimensional canned characters; Peter Falk and Katie Couric are wasted on quick-fry gags. Fast-forward to the Robert De Niro and Martin Scorsese scenes for some undercooked fun. Call it “Finding Nada.”

Shaun of the Dead (2004)
Drop-dead funny. Even if you hate horror films, you’ll still find yourself laughing at this shtick-fest. And if you love horror movies, a thousand inside jokes await you. Lively, piquant characters romp through relevant relationship humor, pub jokes, and day-in-the-life farce before getting chased down by zombies that are both comical and terrifying. The genre transitions are smooth (not an easy feat), the comedic timing excellent. Think “The Office” meets “Monty Python” meets “28 Days Later...” and, obviously, “Dawn of the Dead.” Most shocking of all: It’s a great date movie.

Sideways (2004)
Can director Alexander Payne do no wrong? He strikes vintage in film after film. “Sideways” isn’t as laugh-out-loud and dazzlingly mean-spirited as “Election” or as heart wrenching as “About Schmidt,” but within its European art-film rhythms is an excellence that’s hard to describe. Paul Giamatti, Thomas Haden Church, Virginia Madsen, Sandra Oh, and Marylouise Burke breath four-dimensional life (length, width, depth, and time) into fully realized characterizations. “Sideways” was overhyped as both a knee-slapping comedy and mind-blowing drama—what makes the film remarkable is not the laughs or tears, which are sparse, but instead the fact that you go away feeling you know the characters as well as any friend you’ve ever had. They lodge into your mind like good times almost forgotten, their melancholy-mirthful story becoming part of the fabric of your memory. “Sideways” calls to mind Woody Allen when the Woodman is operating with a full glass, although it doesn’t quite match the very best bottles of vintage Woody. Give Payne some time: His skills are aging nicely.

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004)
Looks good . . . tastes bland. Riffing on 1940s science-hero movie serials, monster movies, film noir, old-school sci-fi, World War II propaganda films and newsreels, “His Girl Friday,” and the 1950s “Adventures of Superman” TV show, writer-director Kerry Conran seems possessed by an abundance of swell ideas. Combine cool concepts with crazy-good computer FX skills and a talented cast (Gwyneth Paltrow, Jude Law, Giovanni Ribisi, Michael Gambon, Ling Bai, Omid Djalili, and a reanimated Laurence Olivier) and you get a supa dupa copasetic movie, right? Well, sure, as long as the acting isn’t stiff, the pacing dull, the emotional arcs nonexistent, the plot points predictable, the dialogue laughable. . . . The moral of the story: Directorial auteurs and computer guys can have great ideas, but they need to honestly assess their skills and consider hiring a writer and strong-willed editor when it comes to crafting the screenplay and piecing together the final product. Conran even makes George Lucas’ half-assed but potential-filled “Star Wars” prequel scripts seem accomplished. In other words, this movie is a beautiful, witty, talented damsel in distress, and a superhero needs to fly in and save it from choking on its own nonsense.

The Stepford Wives (2004)
Why remake an okay suspense film that was an of-its-time metaphor for women’s liberation (based on a novel that was a good satiric thriller) into a meaningless, heartless, unfunny comedy with shiny stars and a once-good director? Because Hollywood has run out of ideas, that’s why. Remakes and rehashes, no matter how bad, have become de rigueur. This pedantic “Stepford” is proof positive that the moneymen backing movies these days are all soulless robots.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday (1971)
An intimate and well-crafted look at a man, a woman, and their shared male lover. Innovative in its time for it’s unflinching portrayal of unmarried sex and homosexuality, the film is far less scandalous now but still edgier than anything currently being shown on broadcast TV. The performances are strong and director John Schlesinger keeps a firm grip on the material, but over time it’s become a slowly paced artifact of a particular era, and does not continue to astound in the same way as Schlesinger’s trippy and daring “Midnight Cowboy” (1969), always fresh “Darling” (1965), and striking “Billy Liar” (1963).

The Terminal (2004)
From a story credited to Andrew Niccol (the writer-director of the underrated “Gattaca”) and a guy named Sacha Gervasi comes a screenplay by Gervasi and Jeff Nathanson. A screenplay that sucks. A screenplay that crash-lands all over the screen. A screenplay best described by one of the standard dictionary definitions of the word “terminal” itself: “Causing or ending in or approaching death.” Tom Hanks wastes a good accent and a lot of charisma playing a kindly foreign man stuck in an airport because of bureaucratic B.S. Partially based on a true story? Partially pulled out of a feces encrusted Pan Am lavatory, if you ask me. Telling the story of the real man and the real bureaucracy might have been interesting. Putting Tom hanks in a good movie would have been even better. But instead director Steven Spielberg does neither, opting for a flight plan that drags viewers through sickeningly sweet and ham-handed plot points, kindergarten-level dialogue, wooden acting courtesy of the gorgeous Catherine Zeta-Jones, one-note good guys, a two-note bad guy (Stanley Tucci valiantly, if briefly, tries to insert some complexity and sympathy into a character designed to make the actor look like an evil fool), zero chemistry between the majority of the leads, and nothing else. The one redeeming feature: frequent Wes Anderson star Kumar Pallana plays Gupta Rajan, the airport’s janitor. Pallana has a natural pizzazz that lights up the screen and “The Terminal” gives him a chance to grow as an actor, but, sadly, he’s trapped in the same bad movie as everyone else. George Lucas and Steven Spielberg, having lost their minds at some point in a distant galaxy, long long ago, have now hired Jeff Nathanson—the writer behind such bad-movie classics as “Speed 2: Cruise Control,” “Rush Hour 2,” and “The Terminal”—to write a new draft of “Indiana Jones IV.” They keep mentioning that he did a good job on Spielberg’s “Catch Me If You Can.” Maybe, but I keep picking up the following radio signal in my false tooth: “Air Traffic Control to Flight Indiana Jones—you’re going down. Repeat. Prepare for a crash landing.”

Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
Remember when James Cameron would make more than one feature film per decade? Back when he was the master of new special effects and the top action director in the biz? A sci-fi badass? Those were good times. Fourteen years after “Terminator 2” debuted in theatres and the FX and story still work like a charm, putting all the cheap knock-offs and new videogame-inspired sci-fi action flicks to shame (see: “Aliens Vs. Predator,” et al). The only film in the last decade even in the running for the “T2” crown of best balls-out shoot-to-kill action and FX extravaganza with science-smarts is Paul Verhoeven’s secretly brilliant “Starship Troopers” (1997). “Pitch Black” might get a consolation prize. That’s it. So keep watching “T2” while the world waits for Cameron and Verhoeven to strike again.

True Romance (1993)
Forgive the exclamation points, cursing, and capitalization that’s about to come, but it’s warranted: When Christian Slater is on, the man is fuckin’ on. And here he is ON, goddammit. Toe-stomping turns by Patricia Arquette (dangerous and sexy!), Dennis Hopper (has never been better!), Val Kilmer (as a freakin’ ELVIS ghost/hallucination), Gary Oldman (at his scary/funny/crazy best), Brad Pitt (goddamn hilarious as a pothead loser), Christopher Walken (holy shit he’s evil!), Bronson Pinchot (a sick, brilliant turn as a sycophant cokehead), Samuel L. Jackson (blink and you’ll miss the Main Man doing his thing), Michael Rapaport (good stuff), and James Gandolfini (in an early role). Director Tony Scott doesn’t lose track of the story in the midst of the all the dazzling images and shattering cuts, as he often does with his Hollywood blockbusters. He really seems to cherish the material here, and it shows. Quentin Tarantino wrote the acerbic, violent, gut-laugh-funny screenplay with an uncredited assist by “Pulp Fiction” co-writer Roger Avary. Keen and obscure pop culture references, movie tributes, comic-book shout-outs, and frequent “Badlands” references pepper this truly spicy dish.

Woman Under the Influence (1974)
Great, raw, naturalistic performances, but John Cassavetes (in writer-director mode) is definitely an acquired taste. Bits of plot have to be carefully deciphered from the cascading dialogue and hyperrealism that reigns supreme. Actors Peter Falk, Gena Rowlands, and company are hypnotizing, but if you’re sleepy at all you’ll be so hypnotized you’ll pass out, so have some coffee and pay attention to the detailed work of acting maestros in their element.

The Woodsman (2004)
Superb acting keeps you on the edge of your seat throughout this sad, twisted tale of a man battling his desires and tainted past.

(Disclaimer: All Celebrity Cola reviews are also posted on BlogCritics.org, and I’m also submitting these reviews to the Zagat Movie Guide for consideration. If Zagat chooses any snippets from the reviews for inclusion in the Guide, then I think the fine print of the deal says Zagat will own the copyright to said words, which is fine. However, until that comes to pass, Celebrity Cola retains the right to publish all of the above content, so fear not, paranoid reader.)

The Free Blogging Freeway

There have been murmurings for a while that the Google-owned Blogger/Blogspot company cannot continue operating for much longer without a profit model.

The latest harbinger of blog-death is Injinuity over at Unadulterated Arrogance. In a short article entitled “Why blogger shall die,” he says:

I am neither Nostradamus nor am I a gypsy with a crystal ball, but this is what I foresee: A year down the line blogger.com will either cease to exist or metamorphose into a paid-only avatar, and both the outcomes . . . are bleak for the blogosphere.

Granted, I am not renown for my powers of clairvoyance yet I still paint this picture of doom with certainty and I do this on account of my understanding of economics. At present I don’t see a valid revenue model when it comes to blogger.com. I don’t see any sources of income for a service of this magnitude . . . I am highly skeptical of this practice in the long run. . . . the inflow of funds is minimal or non existent.

Injinuity and others like him are right: a company cannot exist on kindness alone. The disastrous profit plans proposed by 95% of the Website businesses introduced in the 1990s are what lead to the eventual collapse of the Internet boom times and the infamous stock-market bubble burst. But the Blogger/Blogspot service was once ad-supported, with Blogger Pro memberships allowing ad-free and enhanced usage. Google gobbled up Blogger, graciously removed all mandatory ads, made all services free (with no storage-size limitations), regrettably removed FTP access, and innovatively added slick new design templates. I don’t think they did this by mistake or for purely altruistic reasons. There is excogitation at work. A plan.

I added Google ads to my site in a vain hope that if enough Blogger users use the Adwords service, Blogger might remain free. Otherwise, Google will at some point have to force ads onto the blogs. My fear is that they’ll put the ads at the top of the page, making the blogs look ugly (like so many other free website hosting spots). By placing the Google ads near the bottom-right of my pages, they’re not a big problem. Hopefully Google will allow users to continue controlling where the ads go if they do force ads back onto the sites. Allowing users to continue profit sharing if they’re Adword members would also be nice (not that I’ve ever gotten a single dime from the ads I’ve had running on my blog, mind you).

At the same time, I could see Google bringing back Blogger Pro -- if they have income coming in from a pro service, they could afford to add some of the many blogging features that Blogger currently lacks (most of these features would only be available to Pro users, at least when they’re first rolled out, I presume, because otherwise there wouldn’t be as much incentive to turn pro). Blogger Pro might still be cheaper than the other Blogging services, but it would be ad free (assuming Google will eventually force ads onto the free Blogger), have a few extra features, and would allow FTP access (for greater HTML control) and/or a full export function so blogs could be properly backed up.

Another option would be to introduce a super-low-cost alternative . . . . Google could start charging a very small fee (say, $10 a year or $20 for five years, etc.) to use Blogger; a million users paying Google $20 for their little blog on the web would, cumulatively, generate a lot of capital. A modest enough price would be hard to pass up, especially for people who already have a Blogspot up and running. Simultaneously, it would drive away a lot of these fake blogs that have hijacked Blogger (the link farms, auto-generated product-hyping blogs, scam blogs with a million links leading back to an overseas pharmacy scam, etc.). If the fee is extremely reasonable and Blogger promises to do away with the fake Blogs, it’d be a good deal for everyone (there are so many fake/commercial/ad/scam/spam blogs on Blogger right now that clicking on the Blogger’s “Next Blog” button has become practically useless).

Also, Google’s purchases of Picasa, Hello, and Blogger and their invention of Gmail all seem strategic in nature -- each product alone is nothing to wet your pants about, perhaps, but taken together, coupled with Adwords and Google and Google News, you can see a well-crafted nexus forming. While companies like Yahoo crowd their homepages with a lot of useless junk and services that don’t belong together, Google is slowly gathering and inventing products that can both elegantly stand alone and work together to form a useful, powerful suite of tools. Expect much more integration of all these products in the coming years, along with a powerful IM tool that might just tie it all together.

And what if Google makes a move to allow an open-source browser/email combo like Firefox/Thunderbird to be fully integrated with Blogger, Google, Gmail, et al? What if they didn't just allow it, but financed it? Then Microsoft’s Explorer/OutlookExpress/Hotmail combo would be seriously walloped. Example: What if ThunderBird could access Gmail without having to POP all the messages down, so the storage space stayed on the Google servers, but you’d have the full power of a designated email program to boot, and maybe you could also post from the program to your blog, etc.? Google already appears to be dancing around ideas of this nature.

I think taking on the big, soulless corporate guys like Microsoft and Yahoo is a semi-open goal at Google. And Blogger is one piece of that puzzle. So don’t expect it to die, despite all the slowdowns, bugs, outages, old technology, and limitations currently plaguing the service. A service that, by the by, is extremely easy to use, making it the best service out there for beginners; is great for lazy people like me who don’t want to worry about fussing with programming, paying, and designing more than necessary; and is amazingly cost free and ad free and has beautiful, simple little templates (I managed to muck the template up on my own Blogspot, but hey, now it feels more like home).

Google has done nicely with Blogger, despite the minor quibbles we may have. Quibble: the recent posts/total posts/total words info on my user profile page hasn’t updated in like 8 months. And occasionaly a bug erases half of my post while I'm in the middle of typing. A real downer. Oh well. I still love Google, Gmail, and Blogger. It’s not just a corporate slogan: They really have made the web a better place. Maybe they'll turn evil and super-corporate one day, but for now they're still the good guys in my book.

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Related Post: Blogging About Blogs That Sometimes Blog About Blogs.

Death Threats and Flowers (or, How I Dialed Murder for Love)

Am I being wildly ethnocentric, or is this a strange way of trying to seduce girls: “I kill your boyfriend for you, yes? And then we eat.”

I’ve run across incidents like this before, but what reminds me of my own story is something I read recently at Patreesha.com, where a happenin’ Asian-American college student reports her daily trials and tribulations. In an entry entitled, “When Things Go Quickly From Bad to Worse,” she tells the tale of a New York City cab ride gone weird:

It's midnight on a Friday night, and I'm in a cab with a friend Harry going home from some terrible, ritzy club in Chelsea.... Harry got out of the cab before I did, leaving me alone and very visibly drunk with a young male Egyptian cab driver. Shortly after Harry exited and the cab door slammed behind him, I heard the small, throaty, mucus-filled sound of the driver clearing his throat: "AH-CHALAAHMM"

It gave me a short, quick, nervous chill down my spine, similar to the effect of when Hispanic construction workers bellow chittering animal noises at me from the sidewalk (this happened Wednesday); or when wrinkly-faced, very obviously single old Chinese immigrant men (whilst eating dinner in the same restaurant in which they work as short-order chefs) start talking in a dialect that sounds like shattering glass (jing! jong! xiang!) while slyly pointing at me with their chopsticks as fried rice comes flying out from their gaping mouths (this happened today); or when old white guys with their remaining thinning hair shaped carefully into a mullet follow me down the street in their vans with their headlights off in the middle of the night (this happened last night); or when an old dirty Mexican man with acid-wash, elastic leg jeans and a matching denim elasticated cap grabs my ass going down the steps to the subway station and runs away cackling (this happened Friday). I digress, however -- The cab driver locked eyes with mine in the reflection in the rearview mirror and began to speak:

"Hallo I am Mohammed. What is your name?"
"Trisha."
"Your boyfriend is very lucky man."
"Oh, that's not my boyfriend. He's just some stupid asshole."
"Oh really? Lady you are most beautiful woman in world. I see you when you get in cab with your friend and I say to myself, 'Wow. Wowie. She is beautiful woman in world. I am lucky to have her in cab even though some asshole greasy young man with her. I am lucky.' -- That is what I think to myself."
"Ha ha, thank you --"
"And I say to myself, 'For that kind of woman, wow, I would kill a boyfriend like that man for her. For you I mean. I would kill with my own hands because you so beautiful.'"
"-- Uuuuuhhhh..."
"Oh do not be afraid. That is not my way. I am kind man. Okay? You like Egyptian food? You call me anytime, I take break from work since I get off 5am, we get Egyptian food to eat, together. We will do that? Let me give you phone number."

Patreesha’s story goes on in hilarious fashion, forcing me to recall when I was bartending part-time at a NYC restaurant a few years back. I was living with a waitress and a coat-check girl from the same restaurant, and they were both cute, cool chicks and thus were hit on a lot, but it was the Spanish (mostly Mexican) and Middle Eastern (mostly Bangladeshi) busboys and kitchen-staff guys who were really pushy about it. Actually, the Spanish guys were usually very copasetic, and would just drop the occasional perv comment or bad pick-up line that any guy might after being stuck changing in the co-ed dressing room with the hot waitresses and coat-check girls for the 100th time; the white waiters and kitchen guys were just as likely to attempt a game of grab-ass as anyone.

Perhaps it was the more open chauvinism of the foreign fellows that was really notable, and not their flirtatious advances. (Two of the classy French waiters were the skeeviest of them all, but that’s another story; involving, I kid you not, talk of killing goats in the context of an orgy proposition.) But man, the Middle Eastern guys, especially some of the Bangladeshi guys, were the only ones who brought up murder on a regular basis.

This was pre-9/11, mind you. Mid-2000. The strange thing was that I got along great with all these guys, but then my coat-check-girl roommate told them that I was her boyfriend, hoping to get them off her back, because they were always much worse with the single women. And my waitress roommate told them that a friend of mine was her boyfriend. The next thing the girls know, they're being told by a small group of the Bangladeshi guys that they're so beautiful they're worth killing for, and would they like to have their boyfriends killed? And if my friend and I ever treated the girls badly, the Bangladeshi guys told the waitress and coat check, they would kill us in seconds. And where did we all live, by the way?

A few weeks later, while working, one of the Bangladeshi guys casually mentioned to me that he had "just happened to find your address. I know your neighborhood well. You live on the first floor with the girls? Would you like a biscuit from the kitchen?" And he stood there waiting for me to finish eating the biscuit ("Eat! Eat!") as I kept thinking "Is this poisoned?" But it was a good biscuit and we had a nice chat.

The next day he brought the coat-check girl a flower and gave it to her while I wasn't around. He once again offered to kill me, but she said she didn't need me killed at the moment.... It was very odd. The sly seduction of the coat-check girl and the feeding me of biscuits routine went on for at least a few weeks, until the drama slowly tapered off.

Now, I’ve met a lot of awesome Middle Eastern people and some hyper-cool Bangladeshis, so don’t get me wrong: this was an isolated incident involving a select few individuals. And at the time I took it as being mostly a joke, since I got along with the guys pretty well, although they were extremely, umm, intense gentlemen (the biscuits, flowers, and murder offering busboy who wouldn't give up on the coat-check girl was often referred to as "wild eyed," but he was also a chess champion and very kind, so go figure).

However, when I hear stories like Patreesha’s, with the Egyptian cabdriver offering to kill her boyfriend (or at least the guy he thinks might be her boyfriend), forcing his phone number upon her, figuring out how to get her phone number without her permission, calling her numerous times, knowing where she lives (because he dropped her off at her apartment) ... the hairs on my disgustingly hirsute back stand on end. It’s crazy. Especially in this post-9/11 atmosphere where people are much more likely to take threats like this seriously, where a single complaint of this nature could cost a cabdriver his license, where tensions toward accented Middle Easterners are still on edge. What was the cabdriver thinking? What were the busboys thinking?

Well, they were probably cerebrating the same flustered, overheated, hormonally charged thoughts all men think when confronted with an attractive female. But they really need to get the “I will kill your boyfriend” routine out of their systems and go straight to the “Do you like food” bit. Yes, Middle Eastern food is delightful. Death threats? Not so much.

The Mayor of Diversity

And now a word from the honorable Bruno “Paca” Dicermelt:

Hello, Mr. Brachish. As my spokesman informed you, I’d like to tell your readers a bit about myself and how my political innovations are setting new trends for the future of the world.

I’m the mayor of Caramie, a small town whose population is comprised of individuals ranging in “identity” from wealthy African-Americans, middleclass intellectual lesbians, working-class white males, aging Chicanos and every other racial, ethnic, and sexual combination imaginable. My job is to maintain a harmonious atmosphere amidst all this diversity, so I’ve developed a few ideas to encourage tolerance and the respect of differences in such a multicultural environment.

My first construct addressed the issues of gender and sexuality—for the sake of survival and equality I’ve assumed the responsibility of equalizing the entire population of my city. Forthwith, I ordered up the mass castration of all males.

No longer do we heterosexual men have to summon up an ugly mental image of male-on-male anal sex every time we see a gay man, because males in our society are no longer capable of using their penises for anything other than urination. (This also solves the bulk of rape crimes; damn I'm good.) All impregnation is done through artificial insemination, and the sperm used is scientifically manufactured based on permutations of my own personal sperm. (Thus everyone receives a taste of my greatness in their children, while the genetic permutations engineered by skilled lab technicians prevent the drawbacks of inbreeding that would normally occur from continually using one man’s sperm to fertilize an entire society). It’s a comforting thought knowing that even after my death my spermatozoon will continuously be manufactured and used to conceive countless children.

I’ve also implemented a historic mandatory Health Law that guarantees free healthcare (free to the extent that it’s paid for with peoples’ taxes). The healthcare system has one catch: it demands cosmetic surgery for one and all, lessening the pessimistic effect ugly people have on themselves and others. The law also enforces rigorous self-care (healthy diet, daily exercise, balanced vitamin intake) and punishes those who disobey. Obviously, these laws not only make for a healthier society, but a more beautiful one as well.

I’m mad, you say? I think not. My laws are all based on the core belief of equalization. Let me reiterate for the simple minded: If everyone looks beautiful and healthy, no one will be discriminated against for being unattractive or sickly. Some people argue that race, sex, and gender are at the root of discrimination, but any gimp with half a brain knows it’s really the ugly and lame that have been pissed on throughout the history of time. Also, it’s much easier to accept minorities as equals when they’re ass-smackingly gorgeous.

There are no class issues in Caramie. I put an end to them years ago with an idea now referred to as The Class Equalization Equalization Enactment (CEEE). In the speech I gave introducing the plan I accidentally said the word “Equalization” twice, and the mindless horde that call themselves “journalists” misunderstood and began reporting the project as The Class Equalization Equalization Enactment, instead of just The Class Equalization Enactment. My advisors think this actually aided in the vast embracement of the idea because the community found it too grandiose-sounding to understand, and narcissistic news anchors enjoyed rolling the phrase off their well-paid tongues.

Basically, the CEEE taxed the rich and gave to the poor. The rich who complained were called in to receive a refund and instead received my patented Blasto © treatment (a chemical brain injection that causes migraines but solves all tax complaints). Soon the poor were middleclass, the rich were middleclass, and the middleclass were middleclass (and I had plenty of tax money to fund my health plan).

Mass beautification, mass-beatification, mass taxation, and mass castration—it all goes together like creamy white sauce on biscuits. The beautification portion of my health plan, as previously explained, alleviates the issue of race because now people are not “black” or “white” or “Hispanic” or “Republican” or “Jewish” so much as “Just Damn Good Looking,” solving cultural problems that continue to pop up in other diverse towns like poison ivy in unkempt woods.

My castration initiative plays into this as well: No longer do members of any race or creed have to instinctively/subconsciously/ethnocentrically fear that members of other ethnicities will breed within their social circle, because men can no longer breed at all. Sexual competition, as everyone knows, is at the core of most hostility—solve the fear of your wife/daughter/mother getting interbred with somebody of a different race, and you solve 70% of war, crime, and hate itself. No ligers, tigons, mules, or mutts in Caramie. No. Just hot-ass kids with my brains and their mother’s surgically enhanced good looks.

But wait! I’ve been struck by another brilliant concept. I’ll prosaically call it Diversity Month, for now. Diversity Month will force citizens of Caramie to have new and diverse multicultural experiences that will open up minds and solidify social understanding. During Diversity Month everyone in Caramie over the age of 16 must have at least four sexual relationships with people outside of their race and sexuality. At least two of these encounters will be homosexual in nature, and at least two more will be with a member of another race. At least one of these four liaisons must involve both of the above factors at once. During Diversity Month I also plan to enact Diversity Day, a keystone of Diversity Month during which the entire town will be whipped into a frenzy of untamed orgiastic delights and undaunted debauchery. Diversity Day will bring all aspects of our community together for 24 hours of sexual thanksgiving.

I know what you’re thinking: “How can males have sex during Diversity Month when they’ve all had their balls lopped off like bad little doggies?” Well, sex with the penis is not the only form sex, my friends. You have to let your imagination run wild to experience the joys of sex in Caramie. Yes! That is correct! Another benefit of the Castration Constitution in the Health Laws is that it actually stimulates imagination in the minds of Caramiens—minds that until now were stagnant, wiped clean by television, the mass media, and other forms of corporate-produced mind washing. Ah! But from my ideas hope springs eternal and benefits abound!

Religion? It’s been difficult, but slowly people are agreeing to my request for everyone to join the Baptist church. We chose the Baptist form of Christianity as our town faith by picking a card out of a bingo machine filled with religions. My reasoning was this: If there is a God, he’ll make sure we pick the right card out of the machine. If God is a Muslim, he’ll guide our hand to the Muslim card, etc. As it turns out, God is a Baptist. But even if he’s not, at least we no longer have to deal with people of one religious stripe thinking that people of all other religions are going to hell, etc., because we’re all Baptists and that’s that. I’m also considering the destruction of all science books, because science keeps leading back to evolution and that just gets Baptists worked up like all hell.

Problems? Where there are problems I see only solutions. My town is diverse, beautiful, healthy, imaginative, open-minded, inventive, equal, and soon to be filled with hundreds of my children… The only thing we have to fear is the jealous national governments of this sordid, wonderful world of ours. Governments hoping to crack Caramie open like a can of cherished smoked oysters. But these too will be overcome, even if I have to Blasto © them all myself.

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The King of Booze: Abel Ferrara

Iconoclastic filmmaker Abel Ferrara—director of the Christopher Walken classic “King of New York” and Harvey Keitel’s viscerally devastating performance in “Bad Lieutenant”—is regarded as a cult legend as much for his hard-livin’ lifestyle as his raw, disturbed take on cinema.

We call him from NYC at 4 a.m., Rome time. He’s been hiding out in an Italian hotel for two months, where he’s rumored to be developing a new film with some mysterious confreres. It’s unclear what exactly he’s been doing, but whatever it is involves alcohol.


Ready and Abel.


How’s it going, Abel?
“It’s alright…So what do you wanna talk about?”

Would you be comfortable talking about your favorite beer?
“Budweiser all the way! I mean, call ’em up and tell ’em like, you know, ‘Nobody pushes it like us.’ There’s no like the King of Beers. There’s nothing like it, you know what I mean? Believe me, I’ve drank thousand-dollar bottles of wine. They don’t come close to a... a Jersey Bud.”

Now are you talking about a can or in a bottle?
“Only in a bottle. But only twenty-twos. It’s a bitch to get them over here man. It’s no easy matter.”

What’s the drinking situation in Italy like?
“Um, yeah, I’m breaking them into Budweiser.”

The imports, right?
“Naw, they make ‘em here. Budweiser European. You know, we actually went to the source. We were in Czechoslovakia where they actually... where the original formula is.”

What’s it called? Budvar?
“Bood-vice-er.” [Phonetically, like a lisping Dracula]

What’s the best city for drinking?
“Czechoslovakia man. What was the city? Bratislava.”

Oh yeah, that’s the spa town.
“Yeah, that’s the joint, bro.”

What’s so good about it?
“Every bar has its own beer. You know what I mean? Like Budweiser, it’s like all they drink in that bar. Then you go to another bar, and then it’s like.... If you’re into beer, ya know what I’m saying.”

You’re a movie person, so you’ve got to be around fancy people drinking girly drinks.
“Yeah, fancy champagne, we [movie people] drink. You know what we drink here.... Bellinis, Prosecco. You know what I’m saying?”

Does that just whet your appetite, or does that get you going?
“What gets me going is Budweiser, homes! You know, a Jersey Bud. Twenty-two ounce. Double-D. The Double-Deuce of the D.”

Last I saw you, you were talking about Asia Argento.
“Yeah, fuck Asia Argento.”

How do you find these ingénues? Like what do you look for?
“They look for us, you know what I’m saying? You got no choice. I mean, Asia Argento shows up, what are you going to say? You know what I mean? Have you got the nerve to say ‘No’? What was that joke.... ‘You ain’t going to throw them out of bed for eating crackers.’ ” [He laughs, mumbles, passes the phone to his friend, who we speak with for a while, and then the international connection is lost....]

The above interview was conducted in 2004 and was intended for publication in a magazine I was co-editing. The article was written by Byron Karl, but it never saw print, so Celebrity Cola is printing it here for the sake of bettering mankind—or something.

Note: Celebrity Cola prefers local breweries to Budweiser, because Budweiser is The Man. Unless the Bud is free. Or really cheap. And we’re short on cash. Then we’ll drink anything. We can be really sad and desperate like that, on occasion. Is this the most heartwarming and edifying story you’ve ever read, or what?


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Better Than Beer: There's no need for alcohol when you can boil your mind with the idiocy of frivolous lawsuits. Visit Overlawyered.com for frequent updates on who's suing whom, and why. Hangover guaranteed.

Definitely Not Sober: the Donnie Darko FAQ at StainlessSteelRat explicates many of the mysteries of Richard Kelly’s film/tonal thriller but doesn't delve much into the superior, confusing director’s cut. The “Donnie Darko: Fishing for Meaning” discussion at Arts & Faith is also insightful, although no one has adequately solved the conundrum of why the psychiatrist was secretly giving Donnie a placebo or why she and Drew Barrymore seem to know more about the plot than they’re letting on...

Jedi Theocracy

What if priests and monks could physically manifest their connection with God through the use of telekinesis? What if the Pope was a little green man and the Vatican Council promoted the use of laser swords for settling religious and political debates?

Well, we’d be living in the universe of George Lucas’ “Star Wars,” of course, where the only alternative to strict religious rule and mind-numbing political bureaucracy is an evil, democratically empowered despot of pure evil who patriotically promises to protect his followers from terrorist-like attacks from infidels.


Yoda Pope (image courtesy of tribal_tiger).

At the F13.net forums, a chap named Litigator clarifies the subconscious feelings of Jedi-haters everywhere:

Here’s the thing about Star Wars: the Jedis were never cool. Han Solo is cool. That’s why Han got the girl and Luke got his hand cut off. If you saw Star Wars and wanted to be a Jedi, you are a fucking loser.

The whole new trilogy sucks by definition because there is no Han. Fictional galactic politics is stupid, especially since Lucas’s conclusion is that society is best left in the hands of a bunch of religious fanatics who wave around huge glowing phallic symbols. Harrison Ford cruising around in a space hot-rod with a giant gerbil sidekick shooting stuff and shagging babes with weird hairstyles is cool. Without him, Star Wars takes itself too seriously.

You can’t even blame George Lucas. He had a pretty good idea of the thing to start out with, and it’s been ruined because it’s now taken too seriously. I blame the fans for this. The problem was that a lot of dorks decided they wanted to be Jedis, and started pretending that they were. They created a huge demand for more star wars stuff, and, of course, it all had to be internally consistent because their fantasy lives inhabited the star wars universe, and anything that jeopardized their suspension of disbelief might cause somebody to have an asthma attack.

was great when it was about a midget in a trash can, a giant in a monkey suit, and Harrison Ford being cool and spouting off cool one-liners. The [original] trilogy, including the Jedi [storyline], is some of the best entertainment ever laid on film. Now that it’s dork-porn for people who hate their lives, nobody can enjoy it anymore. The fan community is the reason the new trilogy sucks, and is probably also responsible for George Lucas’s chin receding into his neck.

My big beef with Lucas is that he is altering the original films to be more consistent with the wretched masturbatory nerd fantasy that the Star Wars franchise has evolved into. He’s been seduced by the Dork Side. And he gave the nerds exactly what they wanted in the new trilogy, but they can’t realize it because nothing would satisfy them. They’ve merely adopted the observation by film lovers, who are kind of geeky, but not nearly as pathetic, that the new trilogy are poor movies.

Actually, as a kid I wanted to be a Jedi. But then again, I was also on the chess team. Reexamining the situation, I'd have to agree that Han Solo is cooler than any conservative Jedi celibate. But damn, those lightsabers are copacetic...

Another F13.net user notes what many a sci-fi cinephile has repeated endlessly since seeing the dreck that was “Star Wars, Episode I: Battle of Whiny Kid and the Silly Robots.” Says Riggswolfe: “My perfect prequel trilogy would have had Anakin at Luke’s age or a little older. Episode 1 would have been what is currently Episode 2 with maybe a 15-minute flashback showing young Anakin. Episode 2 would have covered what we only have in cartoons currently, ‘The Clone Wars.’ And Episode 3 would be... well...Episode 3.”

Well said. Besides Jar Jar Binks being one of the most cloying, one-note characters in film history—and the often yawn-worthy political-debate sequences, the badly handled Immaculate Conception concept, the stultifying performance by the usually competent Natalie Portman, and the ham-handed plotting—it was the choice of turning Episode I into a fart-joke lovin’ little kids film about a pratfall-prone hovercraft hotrod prodigy that really destroyed the potential of the “Star Wars” prequels.

Instead of mucking about with digitally adding new, unnecessary sequences to the original trilogy (and stopping Han Solo from shooting Greedo first!), Lucas should go back and completely re-edit Episodes I and II. Chop down the bits that seem like videogame commercials. Give it some edge. Flesh out the bad guys. Add a love triangle between Obi-Wan, Princess Amidala, and Anakin. Replace Jar Jar with Chewbacca, Han Solo, and/or Lando Calrissian-type characters.

Wait... Like the chaps at F13.net and the hundreds of other Star Wars fansites out there, I’m revealing more dorkiness to the nth degree. Let’s just say this: Despite the failures of Eps I and II, the final installment of the prequel tril will certainly clean the bank. Because unlike the political and religious realities of our world, the universe of “Star Wars” has a beginning, middle, and end. And everyone loves closure. It’s irresistible. With the tale’s conclusion, we can take solace in the completion of a myth, even if theocracy is its twisted final theme.

Of course, the religion of Star Wars is also one of self-empowerment and intuition, and not just doctrinaire theology. So remember: I am “Star Wars,” hear me roar.

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See also:

“The Apocalyptic Cosmology of Star Wars” (as a religious text; and technology versus the natural human).

“Star Wars and the Goals of Mankind” (how Christians can become corrupted when they learn to achieve personal satisfaction through the teachings of Star Wars).

“Religious Themes in the Star Wars Saga” (Hinduism, Buddhism, and Christianity in the S.W. universe).

“The Naming of Jedi” (Muslim, Buddhist, Chi, and Joseph Campbell influences on Jedi naming conventions).

“Star Wars Religion Doesn't Make Census” (Australian, English, and New Zealand believers in the Jedi).

“Religion in Science Fiction” (links and resources).

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Kevin Smith discusses the secrets of "Revenge of the Sith" in a spoiler-filled, sweat-soaked memo. (Anakin wouldn't really do that to the Jedi toddlers, would he? Amazing...)

Blogging About Blogs That Sometimes Blog About Blogs

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