Nicotine Addicts Unite -- Safer Euro Cigs Now Banned in the U.S.

First you were kicked off airplanes, trains, and buses, then banned from restaurants, then bars (of all places!), and now many parks and beaches. Even roommates, friends, party hosts, and lovers force you outside. The sidewalk is the last place you can enjoy your killer habit, and yet the looks on the street grow nastier. And the prices -- good grief, lady! It's cheaper to smoke dope.

Luckily a little company in Balerna, Switzerland came around to help with that last bit. Somehow, Yesmoke.ch's owners, Gianpaolo and Carlo Messina, managed to deliver quality coffin nails to the States for around $1.50 a pack. This at a time when brand-name cigarettes cost as much as $8.50 in New York City. (Yesmoke cigs cost even less if you find a way to log in through a current "Yespeedy" customer, the company's quirky discount program.)

There are rumors that Yesmoke is able to offer its low priced fags thanks to a Swiss-Italian smuggling ring. But whatever. Cheap cigs are cheap cigs. And European cancer sticks are healthier than U.S. cancer sticks. And the economy shipping option is free! And something is dreadfully wrong when I can buy crack, beer, and Republican votes for less than a pack of Camels.

I've used Yesmoke for years, and they've always been very responsible. It's true that you do have to be patient with the orders -- even if you pay for expedited delivery or airmail, it can still sometimes take months to receive an order, so you must order far in advance of when you need the product. The reason for these delays is two-fold: (1) Ordinary international shipping delays, which can be expected with most products ordered from overseas; (2) Special international-customs-inspection delays due to the nature of the products (cigarettes, cigars, wine, and food-stuff).

However, when things work well, sometimes even the cheapest delivery option will result in the product being delivered within just a few days. If the product doesn't arrive, Yesmoke will not refund or replace an order for several months -- but this makes sense, since all orders usually arrive eventually, and Yesmoke knows that massive shipping delays are common with their products in particular. Of the many times I've ordered from this company, there was only one time that a shipment did not arrive. After several months and one brief email of complaint, Yesmoke sent me a replacement without any fuss. In fact, they were very friendly about it.

Regrettably, the big tobacco companies have been hassling Yesmoke for years for various reasons, including the fact that European cigarettes conform to higher health standards than U.S. cigs (which could open the companies up to law suits if, for instance, a Yesmoke customer did not get cancer from smoking Euro Camels, but a another smoker did get cancer from smoking U.S. camels). At first, this resulted in Phillip Morris being allowed to take -- by force and court order -- the Yesmoke.com website address (the company now must be reached through Yesmoke.ch).

But more recently, the tobacco companies have found a friend in the NY State Government, which is angry with Yesmoke circumventing New York State and NYC cigarette taxes (through a kinda legal customs loophole). This resulted in the confiscation of all U.S. shipments of Yesmoke products. Yesmoke is currently unable to ship any more product to the U.S., and the matter will likely be decided in court in the favor of the NY government and Big Tobacco.

The real calamity is that the ban comes at a time (not coincidentally) when Yesmoke has evolved from being a mere shipper of cigs to being a manufacturer -- the Yesmoke brand of cigarettes are similar to American Spirits and Winstons in that they avoid additives of all sorts, and Yesmoke has taken things a step further by listing their ingredients on their package and trying to create a slightly safer cig. It appears to be a smashing new product, but we in the U.S. may never know.

If Yesmoke is ever able to ship abroad again, I'd highly recommend the company (although, of course, quitting smoking is the healthiest and cheapest option available, if you don't mind being a quitter... But why would you quit when you could die early with me and Steve McQueen?).

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UPDATE:

As of May 2005, Yesmoke.ch is still banned from shipping to the U.S. However, new companies have arisen, such as SwissTob.com, a company based in Lugano, Switzerland, and Cigs.ch/SmokesPleasure.com (Tobacco Outlet, LLC), which sometimes uses a Swiss website domain but supposedly ships from a Seneca Nation American Indian reservation in Irving, NY in the good ol' U.S. of A. (e-checks and mailed checks are preferred as payment, but they sell American Spirits, which is very cool).

So far I've had no luck confirming the legitimacy of these upstart operations, but when I briefly interviewed a SwissTob customer service rep, they said, "We are not the same company [as Yesmoke, but] we understand your point. We know what happened to other companies that shipped Philip Morris cigarettes to the U.S.A. Philip Morris won a suit for copyright infringement [against Yesmoke, which resulted in the Yesmoke.com domain being confiscated]. We inform you that we haven't got these cigarettes therefore we will not have such problems."

However, with most major credit card companies in the U.S. now prohibiting the use of their cards for online fag purchases, various state's enforcing laws that forbid interstate tobacco trade (including tobacco from Native American/Indian reservations), New York State and NYC teaming up with the feds to semi-legally block international cig shipments, and Yesmoke currently embroiled in various lawsuits (despite switching over to their own brand of cigs, thus avoiding Big Tobacco copyright infringement), it's painfully unclear how SwissTob.com and co. hope to make a dime.

The fine folks at SmokingLobby.com say that the initial SwissTob ads are misleading -- implied promises of being able to use credit cards and offers of Marlboros are a bait and switch that leads to international wire transfers and Camel/European cigarettes; and rumors abound that SwissTob is actually just a figurehead company trying to sell off Yesmoke’s old wares. That’s all well and good, if a bit duplicitous, but with U.S. customs watching Swiss imports with hawk-like efficiency ever since the Yesmoke debacle, SwissTob cigs will be hard-pressed to make it to our fine shores.

Will they refund orders seized by American authorities (the way Yesmoke did for years)? Unlikely. Remember: You’ll be paying with a wire, bank draft, or check, which are far more difficult to contest than credit card charges.

The Smoking Lobby instead recommends CigMall.net (their cigs are possibly of Ukrainian/Russian origin). And SmokingCig.com looks sketchy but at least is upfront about its questionable efforts at creating a legal loophole (“We are Only Shipping Cigarettes Made In The Ukraine and sent 1st Class Certified Mail from the Russian Post”).

Are they scams? Can they deliver? You tell me...

Really. Tell me. Before I put more of my own money (and my poor, smoky lungs) up to the challenge.

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NEW UPDATE (July 2005):

I had a great experience ordering from SmokesPleasure.com (Tobacco Outlet, LLC). As with most online cigarette purchases these days, it does take a few weeks for the order to arrive. However, the customer service at the Tobacco Outlet is superb: They're very nice people, and you can talk to them via phone or email (a rarity in this age of semi-banned Internet nicotine sales).

The cost at SmokesPleasure.com is higher than at the European sites, but it's worth it since the orders actually arrive as expected. Also, they're one of the only online stores offering light American Spirits (one of the safest cigs around), and the price per cartoon is significantly cheaper than any deal that can be found in a major U.S. city outside of the Deep South. If this company can keep up the good work without running into the law, they'll prove to be the best game in town.

Note: According to research conducted by Celebrity Cola, SmokesPleasure is just one of many affiliates that sells cigarettes for a business venture entitled Nationwide Marketing Company, which is owned by Teresa Page (aka Shawna Page) and located in Kilgore, Texas. The Nationwide Marketing Company, in turn, is connected to Tobacco Outlet, LLC, also known as T.O., which operates out of a Native American Indian reservation located in Salamanca, NY.

T.O. supplies and ships the cigs, while Nationwide Marketing is in charge of billing and customer service, and each website affiliate is supposed to worry about taxes and legal issues on their own, depending on the state they're located in. The affiliates garner a commision on sales and are encouraged to sign up other affiliates, similiar to Amway and other pyramid-based sales organizations.

Interestingly the affiliate agreement states, "All Affiliates must agree that under no circumstances can they be affiliated ... with Paul Erickson, Venessa Twoguns, Two Guns Smoke Shop, Thundersmoke or Smokinfree for they are unworthy of such business dealings." It's unclear whether these other companies are merely arch rivals or if they're known scams.

Still, my experience using T.O. through the SmokesPleasure.com affiliate was top-rate, so until things go sour, they get my thumbs-up of approval.

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Related News:

"A Kick in the Ash -- Smokers, beware: City Hall is coming for your wallets," reports the NY Daily News.

"City Wants Its Cut For Cigarettes," demands back-taxes for online orders, says Newsday (story archived at NYC CLASH: Citizens Lobby Against Smoker Harassment).

Credit card companies refuse to participate in Internet sales of cigarettes thanks to a government agreement, reports the ConsumerAffairs.com (March 2005).

Using an expanded view of the Imported Cigarette Compliance Act of 2000, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security and the the U.S. Customs and Border Protection (CBP) agency seize cigarette shipments from Have-Cigs.com / havecigs.com / havecigs.ch and other international dealers. HaveCigs' Louisville, KY office fires back advice and outrage at angry customers.

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To Possess or Not to Possess, That is the Grammatical (and Poltergeistical) Question

I'm compelled by uncontrollable inner forces to post this comment, even though I'm already 30 minutes late for work and I should really be running to catch the subway....

A website, "A New York Escorts Confessions," was recommended to me today, but I probably wouldn't have looked at the site otherwise, since (a) The subject of the blog's title implies that the whole endeavor might actually be nothing more than a come-on for a porn site and (b) The lack of a possessive apostrophe in the word "Escorts" implies that every entry on the weblog will be written in an equally haphazard manner. The site's talented writer, however, knows that the mistake exists and revels in the controversy. (It should be: "A New York Escort’s Confessions"; if multiple escorts were confessing, it would be "Some New York Escorts’ Confessions.")

This might seem like a small deal, but it's not. Oh, there are those who will say that this only matters to curmudgeonly, nerdy copy editors, sensitive-hipster English major types, and grammar Nazis. And there are those who claim they're "grammar rebels" defiantly breaking English conventions. But the issue must be discussed, parsed out, and corrected once and for all, before I have to hurt someone.

I’m siding with the pro-apostrophe crowd here, of course.

There are times when grammar and spelling can be rebelled against successfully, and there are times when a mistake is just a mistake. It's like the difference between doing a little coke on the weekend and doing full-on crack every day. Leaving out the apostrophe in a possessive phrase is complete crack rock. And leaving out the apostrophe in the title of your blog is crack every day for breakfast. It's terribly unhealthy. To all those apostrophe malefactors out there: Please correct, before America declines even farther into decay. (There are exceptions to the general possessive apostrophe rule, especially regarding possessive pronouns and "its" vs. "it's," but once you learn the basics it's really very simple.)

Also, it's a dirty rotten shame when a really nicely written blog like "A New York Escorts Confessions," which is often light and funny and unique (maybe it’s fiction, maybe it’s fact -- it works well either way), trips itself up with grossly amateur errors. One expects grammar, spelling, and minor factual mistakes to slip into non-mainstream online publications since we don't have proofers working for us, and some bloggers may very well be riding the new vanguard of the idiom, pushing the boundaries....

But when a mistake is obvious -- and it’s not a purposeful and needed twisting of the form, spelling invention, or choice (e.g., writing in all lowercase is a choice that can work without corrupting the logic of the written/spoken word) -- it should really be fixed, out of self-respect, respect for the language, and respect for the reader.

The improper use of possessives in the Americanized version of the English language only even seems acceptable ("looks right" being the key phrase) in the first place because of hack advertising men and soulless publicists -- grammatical crackheads each and every one -- being too lazy to use apostrophes correctly in their campaigns. When they use apostrophes to make a word plural and drop the apostrophe to make it possessive ... ewwww. I hate to admit it. But. Publicists. Need. Pain. And corporate ad men are devils, washing the minds of the masses for the Man.

Poltergeists, on the other hand, must consider a completely different set of criteria before deciding whether or not to possess a word, phrase, house, human, or animal....

[Moral of the story: Be aggressive with your possessive; and hacks & flaks are whack, Mack. Now just for fun, go gaze upon some bad celebrity mistakes at the totally free and fabulous AwfulPlasticSurgery.com archives. Or rent a copy of the exquisite PR nightmare tale "Sweet Smell of Success." Or find out whether or not the writer of "Escorts Confessions" slept with a Labrador Retriever. Yeah, you heard that right. Go! Go! And if you don't believe she's really a girl, then test her writing on the mind-boggling Gender Genie male/female text tester]

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Recommended grammar reading: "Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation," "Lapsing Into a Comma : A Curmudgeon's Guide to the Many Things That Can Go Wrong in Print--and How to Avoid Them," and "Woe Is I: The Grammarphobe's Guide to Better English in Plain English."

All three of books are not only informative, they're also easy to understand and quite funny. In fact, they should have been used in your high school English classes instead of those awful texts that made grammar look like calculus (even if they don't replace the all-encompassing style knowledge of the old standbys, like the Chicago and AP guides). However, always keep in mind that most grammatical rules are at least a little bit subjective, so be prepared for inconsistencies between various style guides. In then end, you have to make the final decisions on your own.